Pandemic Level Mom Guilt

Photo credit: Fusion Medical Animation

My Mom guilt is in overdrive this morning. On the way to take kids to school this morning, my teenager reminded me that I STILL haven't taken her to get her learner's permit. 

The tears started flowing. I was already feeling guilty this morning and that was the breaking point of feeling like a failure as a Mom. 

Here's the deal. I have a major dilemma right now. I have an almost two year old. I decided early in the summer that, when the kids went back to school in the fall, I was going to put him in daycare. I even picked out the daycare, which is right between the other two kids's schools. It was perfect. I could finally work without having to stop every few minutes to care for a toddler.

He's never been to daycare because of Coronavirus. No more than he was old enough to start considering daycare, Coronavirus had hit. I had the other two kids at home, anyway. We did remote most of the year last year, too. But, things were looking so much better early this summer. People were getting vaccinated, including us. It looked like we had "normal" within sight. So, the decision was made.

And, even though that "normal in sight" was quickly fading with a new and worse strain of Coronavirus rearing it's ugly head, I stuck with my decision and registered him for daycare. 

He went the very first day that the other kids started school, which was last Wednesday. Then, that evening, I get a text from the daycare that they were closing the rest of the week because they'd had a case of Coronavirus. They were going to take a couple of days to clean the place and rethink their strategy to keep kids safe. Since I had already paid for the next week, I decided to go ahead and very reluctantly bring him back on Monday. Monday evening, he had a runny nose. By Tuesday morning, he was extremely sick. I thought, "This is it. It's finally hit us from my own stupidity and selfishness". 

Well, it turned out to be RSV and a bacterial infection. Double Whammy, but it was not Coronavirus. But, RSV is almost as bad. If he can pick up two different illnesses in the two days he was actually there, what are the odds of him not eventually picking up Coronavirus there? Slim to nothing.

I'm not doing this kiddo or me any favors by keeping him home and trying to work while taking care of him. He's bored and bored at a critical time when he needs lots of stimulus and learning opportunities. I'm frustrated trying to get my work done and still trying to do a good job of giving him that stimulus and those learning opportunities. Daycare will be beneficial for him and me. But, does the risk outweigh the reward?

I'd love to just quit my job and stay home with him. But, I actually like my job and have this little thing called a mortgage. I can't just quit my job. 

I'm sure that I'm not the only one facing this dilemma right now. What's the right thing to do? How do I keep my family safe? It's a question millions of mothers are likely asking themselves right now. I'm sure there are fathers asking the same question but, reality check, most of it falls on us. And, unfortunately, there's no good answers to those questions. 

I have no idea what decision is right. Neither is good. So, I'm going to throw my little pity party for myself this morning over a cup of coffee. Then I'm going pull myself together and take care of this sick baby and get my work done, too. And, at some point this week, I actually need to decide what I'm going to do. And, I'm going to take a look at the calendar and figure out when I can take the teenager to get her permit. But, seriously, Coronavirus has added a brand new element to the whole "Mom Guilt" equation.